Memoirs
by faytofalegion
Summary: Relive the past as Hitsugaya and Hinamori recall their childhood memories-both the sweet moments and their darkest days. Multi-chapter. Chapter 8 now up.
1. Meeting

**A/N**

"Memoirs" is likely to be less of an explanation of Hitsugaya and Hinamori's childhood as much as an exploration of how these two incredibly close yet inexplicably different characters came to be their current selves. Although I set out to write yet another childhood Hitsu/Hina story, the idea that grabbed hold of me was not in any other fanfiction that I have read. The resulting story is exuberantly happy at times and at others, tilts towards a more psychotic state of mind. In any case, bear with me-there's light at the end of the tunnel. If you enjoy this story, then please review-nothing serves as better motivation.  
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**Meeting**

_We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course ..._

When I first met him, it was raining, it was windy, and he was bleeding. I was cornered in a dark alleyway. There were 5 of them, 5 older men who had nothing but pain and agony in store for me. I may be a _fukutaichou_ now, but back then, I was so terrified that I couldn't move. I was scrawny and they seemed to be of mammoth size. They were dirty, hungry, and angry. Their eyes were filled with dubious intentions, their fat faces were intensified with a great hatred, and their movements were that of a predator. I was petrified. (Hitsugaya-kun would later say that I had a look on my face that was so pathetically innocent, it just cried out, _won't you take advantage of me?) _They closed in on me, creeping ever closer. My dirty back finally touched the dirty brick wall and I closed my eyes in anticipation of whatever kind of thing they had in store for me.

But that moment never came.

When I opened my eyes, a silver-haired boy was hovering above me, shielding me from blows meant for only me. I expected his eyes to be clenched shut, but they were wide open. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his icy gaze. Even on that day, when I had known this boy for a time span on 5 seconds, his piercing eyes seemed to embed themselves on my brain. Even with his body bare and broken, he continued to gaze at me. And I gazed right back at him. The blows were inconsequential. We heard nothing and felt nothing. Time had stopped for the two of us.

I don't know how long we stared at each other. We were frozen in time. But from the very first moment that my eyes met his, I had this incredible urge to embrace him. It was like finding something you never knew existed but knowing that from the moment onward, you wouldn't be able to live without it. I wanted to hold him, to cry with him, to suffer with him. One glance and I was trapped in him. I was entranced. By his face, but his deed, by his hidden intention. And so very entranced by his eyes, by his soul, by his demeanor. So I took him home with me. And I would stay entranced.


	2. Ample Grace

**A/N**

Thanks for the reviews everyone! Please review this chapter too!  
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**Ample Grace**

_Happiness is an attitude of mind, born of the simple determination to be happy under all outward circumstances ..._

To most people, he seems to be rough, nasty, and downright rude.

But he's not.

Hitsugaya is exactly the opposite. He's protective, and sweet, and caring, even to a fault. He rarely says things as he really sees them, but if you're important enough to know what he means, then what does he care what anybody else thinks? He loves freely and can protect those he cares about. He cares about me, so why should I care if people think we're exact opposites? Even when we eventually came to Soul Society, people looked at us with looks of shock. Now he is Hitsugaya-taichou… rough, nasty, rude, incredibly smart, and incredibly talented.

But back then, he was scrawny kid with the biggest mouth anyone had ever seen. But to me, he was the most wonderful, the most enigmatic, the most complicated, and the most beautiful person I had ever met.

But he would never allow anyone else to see him that way. After all, appearances had to be kept up, words had to be said, and people just had to be provoked. But appearances were only for the hours of the day and not for the night. The daytime hours were full of awkward stares and rough words. The day was theirs, but the night was ours.

Night was the only time he let down all his barriers, walls, and left himself exactly as I had seen him the night we met. It's not like we did anything extraordinary. Sometimes we would sneak out of the house and lie up on the hill and look at the stars. Sometimes we would climb up on the roof. Other times we would just lay together side by side. Regardless of what happened during the day, when everyone was sound asleep, he would come into my room, take me by the hand and lead me somewhere else.

Sometimes we were silent and sometimes we'd talk. It was during this time that I gained such a great respect for his quiet solitude. He was one of those people who you could never begin to guess who he really was by the way he constantly acted. He could be surrounded by people, blasting off his mouth like usual, and actually be enjoying himself. You could never tell. He was unpredictable in the most unusual of ways.

I was the only one he would show his smile to. Not a smirk or scowl that he would later use as a means to provoke people in Soul Society, but an honest smile. When he smiled his eyes would change and they would reveal something extremely heavy. When I looked into his eyes, even in those days, I could see a person who was wiser than his age and someone who had suffered a great deal. But even though I saw sorrow and regret, I saw something else too.

Happiness. And that, I understood. Despite what may have happened in the past or even the things that will happen in the future, I will always be able to depend on him. As long as the two of us are together then we could be happy.

But even back then, I think I wondered if times like these could last forever-I _wanted _them to last forever. Change was not something I wanted and I now greatly cherish how easy life was and how uncomplicated we were. But happiness-especially our particular brand-a happiness that is kinetic and unrestrained, joyful and irrepressible-could not last forever. The unrestrained and overflowing emotional attachment we had for each other was not only rare, but was indescribable to everyone we came in contact with. They simply didn't understand. We were on a constant emotional high and there was no sense of how high this exuberance we felt would spread and we never once considered that everything that rises must also fall. Memories are funny like that. You look back and reminisce about how great the times were, but you are also able to look back and see the signs your younger self had missed. You know, as a person living in the future, that these times will never be repeated and you have no choice but to look back with regret. I regret letting such precious things slip through my fingers.

When I was living these days, every day seemed like a dream. I had someone who completely captured me. He was my best friend. But not in the way that we told each other every last thing. A lot of the time, words were unneeded between us. What was unsaid between us was clear while words were not. There were many things I did not know about him, but it seemed that what needed to known at the moment was already known. And if there were important things that needed to be said, he would gather the strength he had to tell me about them.

But many things that I'm sure he wanted to tell me would never be allowed to be said. We would never again be so comfortable to lay out on a grassy hill in springtime in the dead of night, staring into each other's eyes, fully embracing each other. I would never again be able to be swept away by his unguarded eyes, looking into them knowing I would never be rejected.

Only a few short years after we had met each other, something would throw us into turmoil. A catalyst of unprecedented proportions in which we had never experienced. It would be this that would make me choose to leave behind the boy that had loved me so earnestly and choose to run away.

It would be something I would truly come to regret …


	3. Gravitas

**A/N**

This story has two sides- Hinamori's viewpoint and Hitsugaya viewpoint. They see and experience the world in completely different ways, so this is the first Hitsu chapter. Please review.  
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**Gravitas**

_Adversity is like a strong wind. It doesn't just hold us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward, we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be._

No matter what kind of situation we were in, I always knew what was on your mind. I always knew how you were feeling and what kind of action to take.

We complimented one another. I was brash and you were gentle, but that's not how it really was. Anyone can be brash and have a big mouth and say nothing but hurtful things to others. People always assumed I was the strong one supporting you. You assumed this as well. But they were wrong. You were wrong. You are always the strong one, without you I am nothing. I felt so insignificant that the only thing I thought I could do was to play your protector. Everything about you overwhelmed me and my own essence seemed so miniscule in comparison. Throughout everything you've experienced, you've always been calm, always been gentle, and always, always been strong.

I've never seen you as weak and I'd never leave you. In reality, it was I who was worrying everyday wondering when it would dawn on you that you didn't need me. I basked in your presence, in your warm, life-giving aura and every day I prayed for just one more day. One more night. One more, ever more. I wanted to melt in your embrace and quiver in the strength in your eyes. You never realized that it was only you that kept me from the darkness of my own heart from taking over.

I loved you. I still love you. But it was this lack of words we could share that would destroy this closeness we shared. It was our only shortcoming, we could share feelings in glances, and embraces, and demeanor, and with our eyes. But we could never share them in words. I could never utter the things that I so longed to tell you. I wanted to tell you how wonderful you were and how pitiful I was. I wanted to cry with you as I told you of all the things I experienced. Every night, I would hold the image of myself falling asleep with my head in your lap as you stroked my hair and told me that you forgave all my shortcomings. But even though we shared such moments alike to that dream, I could still never utter those words. It's still a shortcoming I haven't conquered.

I loved both our nights and our days. I loved our private night sessions much more, but even though it seemed that I hated everyone around me, I really loved being part of something that I never experienced before. Growing up in that place really helped me. It wasn't only because you were there, but because I could see the kind of life that normal children grew up in. I had not experienced that in the land of the living or the dead. Not until then, not until you were by my side, laughing and showing me exactly what kind of life I was missing out on.

I wanted you to myself. I saw you during the day of course, but I wanted more. It was not you who started our midnight sessions, but me. I felt stripped of only being able to see you during the day. You always slept in a crowded room with the girls and I always dreamed of being able to sleep next to you. Besides that, I could never embrace you with the others around. I could never stare at you with unabashed awe like I could at night. You always acted how you wanted no matter who was around. But I couldn't. I couldn't let them see that side of me. I only wanted you to see that weakness in me.

I only wanted you to call me that childish nickname. I scolded you for creating such a stupid name, but in truth, I reveled in hearing it come from your lips. I never imagined that such an insignificant thing would bear such a burden of hatred and weakness. Your nickname never had such significance as mine. I doubt anyone would want their friends to call them a bed-wetter years after the fact. What incredible stupidity. But it was fun, those stupid nicknames were just another bit of warmth you shared with me.

You were always sharing those kinds of things with me. You were always bringing pathetic little things to my attention. They were things I'd never notice, but things that made your cheeks flush with glee and create a big goofy grin on your face. That such a beautiful scene on your face was brought on by something I had never stopped to notice was something that astounded me. So I started looking for things that would make you smile like that for me. And soon they became not so insignificant, but another little glimmer of happiness you shared with me. When you smiled like that, I felt a little bit of my ice melt away and that made me want to smile too. So I would think all day of what I could use to make you smile like that at night when I could completely gaze at you without hesitation.

I wonder what would happen if a rift never appeared between us. Would I be able to say those words I wanted to tell you every day? As time passed, it was harder to tell you. And as even more time passed, no time seemed appropriate. And as even greater lengths of time passed, it seemed downright wrong to tell you. So I didn't. Even if I had told you, I don't know if anything would have changed. And besides that, it's in the past.

This kind of life is so uncertain. When I dream, I can only remember the past. It seems like it's all I have left of you at the moment. I regret what happened that day so long ago. Because if I'm full of anything, it's full of guilt. And remorse. Not just for what actually happened, but also because of a lack of composure and strength on my part. In your presence, I felt the light, but as I spent more and more time alone, a great darkness began to descend upon me. The darkness that I had no name for, was only the beginning of what fate seemed to have in store for us.

Most people have occasional dark moments in their lives. But us? Our dark moments, like our moments of splendor, were not ordinary in the least. They were the deepest shade of black. What was once an exuberant state of mind veered sharply into disturbing territory.


	4. Compelled

**A/N**

I know it's been a long time since my last update … but these next two chapters were really hard for me to write and it look me a very long time. I really appreciate the people who reviewed so far! Please review this chapter too!  
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**Compelled**

_We wait for light, but behold darkness …_

Radiance.

I think that was why I was instantly attracted to Hinamori. When we first met, it was as if I discovered the most precious things anyone could ever come across. And I protected it. I had hoped that just being near her would be enough for me. I had hoped that the kind of light she always shined on others would shine even more so on me. I wanted her to love me and chase away my shadows. Maybe I had come to lean on that ideal a bit too much. Somewhere along the line, I suddenly realized that I'd never be able to go back to being alone. The time had come and gone to get up and leave at a moment's notice. I was completely dependent on her. And that scared me. Not because I would have a problem with Hinamori being with me all the time. It's not like that at all. I could only dream of a life like that. But as much as I wanted Hinamori in my life, I also wanted to protect her. Hinamori is pure light. She is beautiful in every way that a person can be. When we first met, it dawned on me that truly warm people actually do exist. Before Hinamori, I didn't live, I simply existed. To go back to being alone would be pure torture. I didn't want to go back to that meager existence. She became everything to me. And I could ruin her. I could truly break her. As much as I tried to change and as much as she changed me, a warped part of me still lived on.

I had always feared that the life I lived with Hinamori was just a dream. That it was just an illusion that I had made up and that someday, in some distant future I'd wake up to who I really was. I always had it, this tremendously dreadful feeling that I was divided within myself. That there were two sides to me and my real self wasn't the person I wanted to be. That feeling became more and more prevalent the more time I spent with Hinamori. The happier I became, the more fear I felt. The more I thought she'd find out my secret: that I was never her "Shiro-chan" to begin with, but someone else entirely. In reality, I probably wanted her goodness to wash away my heart of darkness. But instead it was the opposite. At first, that darkness started to recede, but soon in came back stronger than ever.

Vulnerable. That's how I began feel around her. I can't explain it and I can't justify it … that's simply the way it was. It was a response in the same way that we previously felt so comfortable around each other. I didn't want her to see this ugliness. Weakness I could reveal to her, but I felt that this wasn't something that could be forgiven or fixed. How do you tell the person who means everything to you that you're a monster? I felt infectious to the people I was around. At one time, I understood the gap between myself and them as something that could be overcome. But that gap widened and I felt alienated and unfit to be a part of them. So I distanced myself from everyone, especially Hinamori. Hinamori knew me as someone else. Something I convinced myself that bore no relation to my current self. She never knew about the thing residing within me. I didn't want it there, but there it was. Choking me, creeping closer and closer my heart.

At first, it was quite slow. I noticed things I never noticed before. I had negative thoughts, I saw intentions that never existed. I thought everyone was out to get me. I had horrible thoughts, horrendous nightmares, weird hallucinations. Whatever it was that was in me, previously it was just thoughts and pictures and dreams. In the past, this was as far as it went. But soon it wasn't just simple urges or thoughts, but it mutated into low whispers. Small and quiet at first, periodic even. But it didn't stay that way … it turned into an incessantly melody in my life . It wasn't like a voice in my head telling me what to do … instead it was like a steady stream of thoughts pouring into my brain. It did not have volume, but regardless, I heard it. I felt it. It was like a constant pair of eyes watching me, its thoughts constantly commenting. It drove itself deep inside my head and my heart. My erratic personality and mannerisms were directly related to the "voice" and how angry it made me on a particular day. As the voice grew more frequent, I started noticing even stranger things. I developed a disturbing ability to translate all my frustrations into a physical burst of energy. I was soon able to bestow the intensity of my hazardous emotions into the environment … my bewildered heart soon allowed me to turn everything else to ice if I so wished. How could I possibly protect Hinamori from myself? At some point in time, if I get angry enough, I could turn on the next person I see. And since the children in our house avoided me, the most available victim would be Hinamori. And I couldn't let that happen. Even if she stops smiling I can't allow her to become a victim.

How could I let this happen? I can't purge myself of this thing … this strange entity. And every day it got stronger, more influential, and made me more of an increasing danger to myself and others. I really didn't have a choice. No choice but to distance myself, no choice but to make her hate me, no other way to do penance for my sin of being who I am. It should have been easy to walk away, but it's not. I'm not a person who wants to make others suffer, but when it comes to Hinamori, I'm selfish. I'm always selfish, I'm always jealous, and I'm always unfair. I didn't want it to continue … I didn't want to go where this path was taking me. But I wanted to stay by her side. I wanted to stay in that house with her forever. I wanted to die being able to see her face. I wanted to tell her the things that I never had the courage to. I wanted to learn to express the things I never could. Like I said … I'm selfish. There's so much I'd left undone. Too many things I couldn't take back. I wanted her to take away all the ugliness in me, but that ugliness grew every day that I was around her. I tried to push it away, I tried to make it cease to exist, but there it was … it became a part of me. And the stronger it became, the more I changed. It was slowly, surely taking over my body, my mind, and my spirit. It was just beneath my skin, another face I tried to keep hidden away, a sin for all to see.

So I made my final decision. It had been three years since Hinamori brought me home with her. Eight months since my darkness returned. Four months since the last midnight meeting between Hinamori and myself. Two months since the beginning of my mentally separating myself. One month since I completely stopped associating with the other children. Two weeks since my vow to allow my body to rot like it rightfully should, and four days since Hinamori had last wept and begged me to return to normal. It was the first day of spring and I was dying as I rightfully should.


	5. Dignitas

**A/N**

A Hinamori chapter in response to the last Hitsu chapter. Please review!  
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**Dignitas**

_There is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one's own pain weights so heavy as the pain one feels for someone, with someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes …_

It happened so suddenly. No … it wasn't sudden. It was gradual, but I was too preoccupied to notice. It seemed like I woke up one day and his eyes were no longer warm, his smile had ceased to exist, and his body seemed to seethe with pain. How could I not have noticed? How could I have neglected him of all people? He turned cold. Everything about him turned to ice. He was no longer … Shiro-chan. He was someone I didn't recognize. Someone I couldn't relate to. Someone I could beg and beg for a response and get nothing in return.

I should have noticed it. I know now, looking back, that he gave me clear signs of his madness. I should have noticed over time that we used to spend every night together and that the times in between became longer and longer. I should have noticed his lack of interaction with our "family". I should have noticed his eyes growing colder and colder everyday. I definitely should have noticed his once gentle, endearing voice turning slowly into a growl. When did he forget how to laugh? When did he forget how to smile? When did everything start to spin out of control? I should have noticed! What was I so preoccupied with all that time? I don't even know … it was my fault. My fault for loving him so dearly before and letting that love slip slowly away. I should have loved him more, I should have held him more, I should have made him feel more at home. But I didn't, and because of that, things changed. I'm the reason why he became so self-destructive. So incredibly dangerous to himself and others, that I had not the ability nor the bravery to get through to him. Somewhere along the way, I lost the connection. I let it go. It slipped through my fingers.

Winter passed slowly and as Spring began to approach, I finally began to notice. But it was too late. He no longer responded to me. He didn't want to go out at night. He didn't want to play with the others. He didn't want to speak to me. I finally built up my courage to confront him, to attempt to take back the child I once knew. So I went into the room he always slept in and asked him to come play with us. But he barked at me to go away, to let him sleep. He only faced me for a half a second. But that half a second was long enough to allow me view of his eyes. Something was very wrong. His eyes held more than the person I knew before. And it frightened me. Half a second was long enough for my own eyes to widen surprisingly in fear. And the quarter second remaining was long enough for him to catch my own eyes. And at that moment, time stood still. It was only a second, maybe two. But we both stopped dead. He stared and me and I stared at him. And then all hell broke loose. He just started screaming uncontrollably. Screaming and screaming and screaming. Screams of sorrow and disgust and guilt and intense anger filled our home. It felt like his spirit was breaking, it felt like it was screaming out in pain for someone to listen, for someone to understand. And so, with his eyes wide with sorrow, his face covered in tears, his body wracked with despair, he got out of the bed he always inhabited, violently threw me out, slammed the door shut, and locked it. The house, which was always full of noise, turned dead silent. And the house, which was always warm and comforting, grew cold as ice.

It was my fault. If only I'd looked at him with a kind smile, he wouldn't have done that. I could only lay broken where he had left me. And I wept. For him, for us, for what I knew would come. We had passed the threshold. What both of us probably feared the most had just happened. We couldn't go back to the way we were before. He could never again be my Shiro-chan again and I could again never be his Momo. And when that dawned on me, mere seconds after he flung me out of that room, memories flooded into my mind. At that moment all I could picture was everything I had lost. Memories of our meeting, of our first time embracing, of our first night session, I recalled memories of every small thing he had ever done for me. I could never have that again. I will never meet another person like him ever again. I failed him. I let him slip through my fingers. And I just knew, I _knew_, that as much as he meant to me, I meant at least five times as much to him. If this destroyed me, then this would kill him. It wouldn't just wound him, it would annihilate him. I knew that I was all he had in the world. I _was_ his world. Just thinking about how he had changed over the time that we spent together living in this house proved it. He wouldn't have done the things he did if I wasn't important to him. Tears would never suffice this loss for him or for myself. And so as his screaming was beginning to stop, my screaming voice joined his. For a moment, our pain was vocalized in unison, our words we could never speak united in one voice for all to hear. For a moment, time stopped, the air stopped, and everything hovered in its existence just for this. And just like that, the moment was gone. His voice stopped and my voice took on where his had left off. Our pain, our grief, our anger towards ourselves and each other took on different voices. But in reality, it was the same. We both wanted to scream forever. We both wanted to go back but knowing we couldn't, all that there was left to do was scream.

--

I couldn't approach the door. Not because I was in pain, which I was, but because some strange force held all would-be intruders at bay. I was a child so words like spirit energy had never entered my vocabulary. Therefore, I wasn't thinking that some kind of power in him had awakened. All I knew was that the door was like ice. That everyday our house got colder. That my best friend was in that ice dying. The door wouldn't budge. The ice holding me back would not melt. I couldn't reach him. I screamed at his barrier, at his wall of ice to let me in, for him to come out, for him to say _anything_, but there was no response. None at all. And for three long days, I could do nothing but pray that he was still alive. I had left him before in his time of need. This time, I swore, I wouldn't leave his side. So I stayed by the door. Maybe I thought that if I waited long enough, the ice would melt, that he would walk out of the room, and I could make his pain go away. It's not like I actually believed it, but I hoped that at any moment I would wake up and Shiro-chan would be by my side dragging me off to some strange place again. But it was real. And as time went on, I became more and more desperate. I wanted him back. I'd take anything, even if I didn't recognize who I saw, even if he changed into another person, I just wanted him back. And if we remained the way we were, I would always be standing at the door to his heart. I would never be able to reach him or understand him. I would never be able to cease his pain or comfort him. I was desperate enough to bring myself to his level. So I decided that if he could destroy his body, then I could too. He couldn't come to me. So I would come to him. So after three days of waiting, I walked into his fortress of ice and I reveled in the excruciating pain it caused as my skin turned from pale to a ghastly blue and as my body turned more and more rigid in the unrelenting cold. And as darkness washed over me, I smiled in anticipation of our next meeting.


	6. Heart of Ice

**A/N  
**

I'm really sorry! I haven't written for months... I promise I'll finish this story. I've always hated reading stories when an author had no intention of finishing it. And I do plan on finishing this! Now, on a more important note, this chapter is from Hitsu's point of view. It's a bit short, however I think the next chapter will be longer. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Heart of Ice**

_Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are, and what they ought to be ..._

I envied them.

It was always simply amazing to me that the people beside me led such a carefree life. I always thought that the smile on my face was genuine, that the freedom I felt was real. But really, looking back on it, I know that's not how I felt at all. I think that smile that I showed to everyone was just a mask I placed on my face from the very beginning and over time I simply forgot it's true nature. I wanted to believe that being in a place where everyone was always laughing would change who I was, but even from the very beginning, I knew it wasn't true. That freedom I felt was just a trick I was trying to play on myself. And it worked ... for a little while. But soon even that feeling faded away and left me feeling cold. It left me feeling lonely even when I was with the others and even the person who always stayed beside me couldn't make it go away. From the moment when even Hinamori's light couldn't make the numbness go away, that was when I lost hope. That was when I knew I would be lost forever.

Being an orphan is rather strange really. Everyone I lived with was an orphan and yet, they were bound by a common link that I didn't have. They could understand each other's feelings and emotions because they were truly the same. They all had similar stories ... the one you always hear about in Soul Society. You see, it's very rare to find a child with a story other than that one. So, it wouldn't make any sense to assume otherwise. But, I didn't arrive in Soul Society in the same fashion that they did. I didn't live the same life that they did. And I sure as heck didn't come here in the same way that they did. I had a past. A very desperate past where I'd do anything to survive. The kind of life I lived was something that no kid in safe sectors of Soul Society can imagine. So I couldn't understand them and they couldn't understand me. Even if I was normal, we'd never understand each other. What really frustrates me is that if I was normal, even though I had that kind of background, even though I had done things that no child should ever have done, Hinamori and I could have continued living our happy life. From the moment our eyes met in that rainy back alley, it was like magic. There was no fear in those eyes, no distrust, no hesitation at all. There was an instant connection between us, an invisible link that I have yet to discover that held us captive to it. Captive to the feeling that we couldn't let go of, spellbound to the way we were instantly bonded together. This was the day my life exploded. Sometimes we are given an opportunity, a chance, an opening-call it what you want-to walk a different path. That was mine-I would have thrown away my left leg to spend only the next day with her. But I was lucky enough to have years with her. When I was with her, I was safe. Her presence surrounded me: all her love and trust and emotions: they were protecting me, creating a barrier to anything bad-and he couldn't touch me.

Maybe I thought that it had gone away. Whatever I thought, I continued on with life. I experienced a real childhood, I met and played with other kids on a regular basis-it was so normal that one might call it dull. But it wasn't dull to me, I took in the life surrounding me believing that I had a second chance at things. I always ignored it-that little voice in the depths of my soul that told me to run away, to protect them-that it wasn't over. But I ignored it, fascinated by my new life, thinking and believing that whatever darkness possessed me before had vanished, only to understand later that it just grew silent, lying dormant within me until it spawned back to life, tearing my life apart. I knew then … and yet I did nothing. I wanted to believe! I wanted to believe that it was gone, that I was as good as the girl next to me who was always facing forward. I wanted to believe that I was strong enough to protect her-to protect all of them. I wanted so many things for them, none of which I could give. I could never repay the kindness they all showed me-and never in a million years can I take back what I did to them. I can't take back that moment. I can't forgive myself for not walking away from them-for putting them in harm's way due to my own selfishness. I knew that it would happen-I knew that something would happen that I couldn't take back. I thought I had control... but my control lessened over time. And by the time I realized that I didn't have control-it was already too late. Too late for me, too late for her, too late for them. I couldn't control my own body anymore. The more I resisted what was inside of me, the less control I had. His consciousness-his thoughts-they dominated control over me. I couldn't control him and therefore I couldn't control myself. Anything could set me off-and when Hinamori looked at me with eyes full of dread, I just lost it. I couldn't even begin to understand what the consequences of my actions that day would be.

It wasn't until I had woken up 3 days later that I understood what had come to pass. It wasn't until after that moment that I had violently thrown Hinamori out of that room, after the moment that I had frozen half of the house in thick sheets of ice, it wasn't until then that balance of power within me shifted. It wasn't until then that I came back into a sane state of mind. It was then that I realized what I had done. And it was also then when I realized that the person that I loved most, the person who would never let me fade alone into darkness was lying just outside the door... seemingly lifeless.

It was the first time I had drowned in such an overwhelming emotion. It was the first moment I ever truly wanted to die. If the pain I felt before then was agony, then the pain I felt at that moment was the deepest amount of suffering ever imaginable. From the heart of ice, I howled in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Even now, I find it very difficult to find the words to describe it. I was drowning, falling into hatred of myself. I never understood love until that moment. I knew then, that the feelings we felt really were genuine. She loved me and I love her: that never changed. That love just couldn't get through anymore. It was the only way for her to reach me, the only way to feel my pain, the only way she had left to show me that she really did love me. That even if the sky was falling, the two of us wouldn't fall along with it. We'd always stay together, whether in death or in life. That was what she showed me that day... and what I still remember as vividly as if it happened yesterday. The pain is still fresh in my heart-the memory of how close I was that day to losing her.

Little did I know that my powerful psychic blast was felt sectors away in Seireitei-that help was on its way. Little did I know that Hinamori was far from gone-that we were more alike than I ever thought possible. Little did I know that this was only the start of something much larger than myself. I never knew it back then, but my trials and tribulations up to that point was just the tip of the iceberg of what was going to happen-that it was only the beginning of a much larger emotional struggle. It would also be the beginning of our separation-and that when Hinamori and I saw each other next, everything would be different.


	7. Fragmentation

**A/N  
**

Wow. So I haven't written for over a year. For some reason, a very nice person sent me an inspiring review and all of a sudden, I felt the urge to write again! Thank you Namimakura! Your review made this chapter possible! I am determined to keep writing and finish this story. So please, anyone who actually likes this story or has some commentary to contribute, leave me some reviews. It's really the only thing that keeps me going, and it's kind of depressing when I get pretty much no reviews. Anyway, on with the story!  
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**Fragmentation**

_Although men are accused of not knowing their own weakness, yet perhaps few know their own strength. It is in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold which the owner knows not of_

It is a rare person who is unmoved by a first snowfall. I am no exception. Snow is like a wild magic; it draws us in close, stirs memories, and invokes emotion. It enchants even the most timid of person. To me, Shiro-chan was that wild snow. That's why I couldn't resist trying to help him, that's why I couldn't stop myself to coming to where he was. Snow casts a lifelong spell. I was enchanted by him. It's strange. Even when we first met, it was like it was meant to be. There was no hesitation between us. We understood that this wasn't something we could allow to pass by. From the moment I met him, my life turned from strange to stranger to just plain bizarre. Even though I knew my life could be changed by my split-second decision, even though I understood that things most likely wouldn't be the way they were before, I _ached_ to take him home with me. And not even once did I ever regret that decision. Even when a deep darkness overtook him, even when he blasted me away with power in which I had never encountered, even when he covered our beautiful house with deadly layers of ice … I still believed! I still believed that no matter what happened, our connection could never cease. I still believed that the person that was always by my side would never cease to stay. But I know now that I was the one who may have driven him to the edge of madness. I was unable to understand his incredible suffering. I was unable to be there when he needed me most. It was my foolish way of living that allowed the darkness to overtake him.

Snow easily melts. It is fragile, yet strong and given the right conditions … unbreakable. When I look back on that day, the day when he blasted me away, I think, _what a waste of potential!_ What strength he exerted that day in an unfortunate circumstance. He had grown that much and I had missed it! He had been that strong and I had ignored it! And yet there he was unable to hold himself back because of something he probably could have learned to control. His madness, his darkness … I understood at that moment. Those things that consumes everyone: fear, guilt, envy, anger … in the absence of any hope, they rage out of control. His beautiful light was forever changed and I knew that never would I meet the same child again. So I cried out, and much to my surprise, so did he. I think that at least, for a moment, just that one small moment in time, we understood completely. We can't go back. I wanted my friend back ever so desperately and I knew it was a wish that could never be granted.

I felt such sorrow at that thought. Yes, of course I would miss the child I knew and loved but I felt much more loss than that. I couldn't help but think that if his spirit drifted far away and left this land, I would also. The magic of his presence changed me completely. It's not that surprising, of course. But the prospect frightened me. Am I still "me" without him? When did I change so drastically that the "me" of only a few years ago is such a different person than the "me" of the present? When did so many parts of ourselves become so intertwined that they would be indistinguishable as separate? How does it come to be that I see myself as a reflection of him? Where do I stop and where does he begin? What part of me is without some influence from him? There is no part of me that is not directly connected to him. When a part of him dies, so also does a part of me. Momo does not exist independently of Shiro-chan. Because of this … I know the beauty of his soul. The person I met in the back of a dark alley was no different to me than the person whom I wanted to somehow reach that day. His heart was in chaos, yes, his spirit had a dark shadow cast over it, quite true, and he was physically and mentally different, of course, but his soul, his heart, the deepest parts of himself-to me, they were just as beautiful as they ever were. I knew that even if he changed, even if he became another person entirely, this beauty would always remain part of him. I felt that it was something that not even the darkest of shadows could ever touch. And I wanted, so desperately, at that moment, on that fateful day, to be by his side once more. If nothing else, but to tell him that I would always see that undeniable light in him and that I knew that the memory of it would always shine bright in me as I witnessed it in him.

So, on that day, I lost myself in his spell. I followed him. Into the white abyss of his anger, his fear, his guilt, every dark part of his heart. I followed it until surrounded by a blinding white light, my body completely numb of feeling, my heart dead-set on reaching him. I took every painful step that it took to reach that door of ice and as my body was collapsing from the physical attack it was enduring, I swear that I felt him through that barrier. I felt him in a way that I had never felt him before. It was … indescribable. I felt his spirit somehow reach me. And I was changed forever that day. That split-second before I lost consciousness, I felt such warmth inside my heart, and I saw him for the first time not as my friend, the child I had grown up with, but I saw someone with barriers of ice and eyes that could burn through steel. I saw a stranger … and yet, I felt at peace.

Perhaps snow comes to us not only to reveal the beauty of the second of creation, but to teach us that all beauty is fleeting and must soon fade away. But I know that even though the beauty of snow is effervescent, it fades but come to again. I know that the spell is not broken. We were both changed and even though I saw a stranger staring at me that moment, I knew that we would meet again. His beauty would not fade away. And just the thought of that brought me incredible peace. We can't change the past, but I knew we would be given a second chance to get things right. Not as Shiro-chan and Momo, but as Hinamori and Hitsugaya. And that would be enough.

I woke up in a foreign place, surrounded by foreign things and foreign people, in the deathly white room of a hospital. I also came to realize within a fraction of a second that some possibly catastrophic change had taken place. It was like waking up in someone else's skin. I had never in my life felt so _alive_. I felt everything and everyone around me. I felt every spark of life, every shred of emotion … everything. I woke up to a whole new world. This was the gift that he had shared with me. It was later explained to me that his powerful spirit had flowed into mine. But at that moment, all I knew was that I now had the ability to understand him, I now had the ability to be part of his world. But before I could express any surprise over these changes, I was surrounded by people. I was told that I had slept for an entire month, that I had nearly died, and that I was lucky to be alive. And my friend, the one who had nearly killed everyone, was nowhere to be found.

They all said: "You're lucky to be alive". What could I say to that? It wasn't luck to me. It was grace. I was once again saved by him. Once again wrapped up in his beautiful light and given a gift. But the gift this time was much different. It wasn't the gift of his presence, but the gift of his soul to be ever present within myself. And despite this incredible offering, I was devastated. I had spent the last few years, which I still considered to be the best in my life, in the presence of my friend. And now, I just felt an aching whole in my heart. I wanted him by my side. I wanted to reach him that day. But I failed. I felt … empty. Like the wind had knocked something incredibly important out of my spirit. And all I could do was cry for him. For him and for myself, for the unsure future that lay ahead for us. And for his suffering which I was certain was overtaking him in both body and mind. After all, I knew him better than anyone else. And I knew, without a doubt, that he would never intentionally cause his family pain or suffering. He was the kind of person to punish himself for doing such a thing. I was certain that it was now that he felt the depths of despair, that he was completely without hope of any kind. And I knew that the society which we lived in would never forgive his act of violence, no matter what the reason.

Despite the fact that he saved me and that he had not killed anyone, he had still nearly demolished the place in which we lived and displayed a power that was not insignificant in measure. He was considered by Sereitai to be dangerous and on the run. It finally occurred to me that these people did not help me out of the goodness of their hearts, but out of a need of vengeance on my behalf. They helped me in hopes that I would help them find and destroy him.

Help these people punish my beloved, I would not. Escape I would. I was determined to find him, restore the smile to his face, and return hope to his spirit.


	8. Into the Dark

**A/N**:

I know, It's been over a year. I have no real excuses. I was in my senior year in college last year, and I was just never inspired enough to finish a chapter. I wrote small portions of chapters, but ironically, they have no part in what ended up being this chapter. I'll probably use them later, but this is primarily a dialog chapter. Sorry, but once again the story kind of switches gears. In previous chapters, it was all recollection. Now, because Soul Society is involved, dialog is needed. I'm hoping that this chapter isn't too much of a disruption from the previous style-it just needed to happen. And by the way, I did clean up some previous chapters. Nothing really changed though, so no worries. For once, I feel excited to go through this journey with these characters. This is the start of what might be a rather long and painful journey. As always, reviews are awesome. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Memoirs Chapter 8: Into the Dark**

_Hope is a waking dream …_

I woke up to a very unpleasant sound. The sound of unfamiliar voices assaulted my pounding head. I opened my eyes and immediately regretted it. The light was absolutely blinding.

I blinked. Once, twice, three times. Instead of seeing the wood ceiling above me I expected, I saw an unfamiliar high ceiling. The light was too bright and I knew that there weren't enough windows in my room to produce this much light. I closed my eyes again.

I licked my lips. I wiggled my toes and fingers, but nothing feels the same.

My lips are too dry, my toes are too warm and my fingers are too raw. This isn't my room.

This isn't my home. I can tell that much in darkness. But the darkness doesn't keep out the sounds I hear and feelings that surround me.

It wasn't a dream. Even if I could deny this, the whispers around me scream it loud and clear.

It wasn't just like waking up in a new room after a horrible disaster, it was like waking up wondering if you were in the same body. Nothing about me felt the same. My head was certainly in a fog, but there was something undeniably different about waking up. Something had changed, but whatever it was, I couldn't identify it. I probably couldn't even if I had wanted to-my head was _pounding_ and something about the atmosphere in the room told me that the time to reminisce and accept and learn what had happened was not yet here. All I could think of, was that I was in danger.

This room is loud. Too loud.

_What's the diagnosis?_

_Get him to the recovery room. There are too many patients waiting._

_Division Five has ten injured officers on the way from training._

_Does this hurt? Around just your midsection or in your back too?_

_I'm going to lunch. Fourth division work is exhausting. I'd much rather be filling out paperwork._

But suddenly, a voice cuts through the whispers.

"Are you going to pretend you're asleep all day?"

My eyes shot open. And then shut. The light was still blinding. But I could see someone there. A girl? I opened my eyes again, trying to get them to adjust to the light.

The girl was standing to the left of where I was. Her arms were crossed, her dark eyes show me nothing, and her dark hair cascades down her shoulder in tresses partially hiding a completely black uniform. A _shinigami _uniform.

Realizing who she was, I sat straight up and immediately felt the horrifying pain. I didn't see her move, but she was suddenly beside me. Her arms were on my shoulders as I doubled over in agony. But honestly, I didn't care. I didn't care where I was, or who she was, or even who all these people were that wouldn't stop talking. I'd never felt such a horrible pain in my entire life. It was like my body was on fire. Every bone, ligament, and muscle in my body cried out in pain. The girl's voice, which was once crystal clear, now faded to a mere murmur. I realized that I really was badly injured. The room was obviously some sort of healing ward. Suddenly, her voice, strong, loud, and powerful, grabbed my attention. And strangely, as she spoke, the pain ever so slightly started to fade away.

Her hands, still on my shoulders, felt as if they were sucking the pain out of my body.

"You've been injured. You're in Seireitai's fourth division. I'm trying to heal you, but you're not letting me."

By this time, she took her hands off my shoulders and gruffly positioned me so that I must look into her eyes. Fierce, cold, unyielding eyes. Determined eyes.

"I'm trying to help you. Using your power to shield yourself from help is ridiculous. You're obviously hurting."

For the first time in a long while, I felt like laughing. She must be joking. Power?

"Just … relax, okay?"

I looked up at her with knowledge and determination of my own. "I don't have any powers."

She smiled. Not a warm smile, but a knowing one. A cocky one. I don't think I like this person.

"Yes you do." Suddenly her cocky smiles warmed a few degrees. I opened my mouth to argue, but I suddenly felt better. She must have seen my eyes widen. Her smile brightened even more.

"Distraction is also an acceptable method of getting a person to relax".

Somehow I doubt being distracted is the same thing as relaxation. I took my eyes off her and for the first time, took notice of my surroundings.

The room was a very large one. I was on one of many beds in this white room. It's very obviously a hospital of some sort. I couldn't help but wonder why these people had such an obsession with the color white. The beds were white, the pillows were white, and room was white. The patients, however, weren't. They were dressed as she was. Black shinigami uniforms. I suddenly felt incredibly small in this room full of powerful people.

I always stared at the walls of the white city in awe and fear. The mere thought that I was within the impenetrable walls brought me fear.

I backed up on my bed, the wall as close to my back as I could manage.

Impenetrable. I can't go back. To my previous life-_to him_.

Memories and regret simply fill me. I wasn't thinking about it a moment ago. I was concentrating on the pain. But now, I can't escape it. And this is no time for fear.

I sharply looked up from the white sheets. The girl was just standing there studying me, deep in thought.

"Do you know why you're here?" She asked, an unreadable expression on her face.

I straightened and took a breath. This was no time to bow down to any shinigami. This was most certainly not the best situation for me. I was within their city and what they would do with me was anyone guess. One thing, however was clear to me: I must make it back to Hitsugaya Toushiro. No matter what. The obvious problem, of course, was that I had no idea where he could be.

_If you find yourself in a difficult situation, don't let anyone overpower you._

His words, spoken long ago, came instantly back to me. And he was right.

"Yes." I spoke slowly and confidently. Just be like Shiro-chan I thought to myself. He was the greatest strength that I had ever known. "I am in Seireitai because of what happened at the orphanage." The worst thing I could do is to come across as weak. As I learned from Shiro-chan, those who are the easiest to control will end up in the worst situation. I had to be strong willed and show them that I was not going to be controlled.

She studied each and every movement I made. It felt like she could look into my very soul and just _know _who I was. Like it didn't matter how much I tried to be strong, she simply knew that I was weak.

Her position changed. She relaxed a little and stared at me with her unyieldingly cold eyes.

"I'm not your enemy you know." She said.

"But you're not my friend either" I replied. It was true. As I knew before, I did not like this person and I had to go with my instincts here. She put me at a disadvantage and I had to somehow remedy that.

A smile appeared suddenly on her face as she cocked her head slightly.

"How do you know?" She asked, seemingly both slightly amused and intrigued.

Well that was a loaded question if I ever heard one. I felt my heart rate speed up. What would happen from here, I knew, depended on how I answered her question.

I looked up sharply and said "My friend once told me that you have less than a second to make an impression on people. I don't know many shinigami, but living in an orphanage, I've met lots of people. Some had good intentions and some had bad intentions. The worst ones, I noticed, tried to be my friend more than anyone else. You don't do that, so I know you don't have 100% bad intentions." I paused for a moment, glanced at my sheets and then looked straight into her eyes. "However … your smile doesn't reach your eyes. You're trying to appear friendly but you're not. You healed me because someone probably told you to keep an eye on me. Healing simply came along with that order. You feel a bit of contempt towards me, because this is not your division. I've lived with lots of people. I know that look. You feel that this is below you. But someone within these great walls probably sees me as being critical to what happen back home. How I am critical, however, I have no idea"

What began as a fake smile on her face slowly became a real smile. I was stunned. For a small moment, the ice melted and her smile matched the enthusiasm reflected in eyes. She chuckled in a most modest way. And then, the moment was gone. Her face turned serious, but the amusement stayed even though the ice had returned.

"You are quite right Hinamori Momo. This division is not mine. And I am quite glad to see that you are no fool. But you are not in a particularly good position. A higher up has taken an interest in you. He's had an interest in you for quite some time."

To say the least, I was dumbfounded. Why would any shinigami, let alone a higher up have an interest in me? I chose my next words carefully.

"What do you mean by 'taken an interest' in me? To Seireitai, I'm a nobody. I live in an orphanage."

She once again chuckled, but the ice came at full force towards me. Her eyes were filled with an unreadable emotion. She was hesitating. There was something very important here. I waited and she finally spoke.

"Orphanages aren't exactly of no concern to us. As you said, many different people go through orphanages. Every so often, a person of, shall we say talent, arrives. You—" we were suddenly interrupted. A large man of large proportions was suddenly beside my bed. The commotion of the room was suddenly halted and the room filled with a heavy yet eerie silence. His scruffy face and giant proportions did not sit well with me. Like the others, he too wore a black shinigami uniform, but it was also adorned with a long white robes. The robes seemed to have some sort of rank significance. The robes were also decorated with symbols I could not understand. His face, unlike hers, seethed contempt. He stared long at her, silently communicating what I could only assume as a horrendous reprimand. Suddenly he turned to me.

His eyes burrowed into me. I have never met another person who could make me feel as small, weak, and as hopeless as this man did. I wasn't even looking into his eyes and I still felt as if I'd been hit with a metal bat. His manner said one thing and one thing only.

You are of no significance and you will do as you are told, outsider.

His gruff voice rang out and I flinched away from it.

"I hope you have enjoyed your stay as a guest in the lowly fourth division. It is the only courtesy you will be given, I assure you." Every word was like a drop of poison. He was big and I was small, and I knew this man would squash me like a bug if given the chance. "You will not speak to another person. You will do absolutely everything you are told.

You will answer the council's questions and if you play you play your cards right, the council will elect not to kill you. Understand little girl?" I nodded vigorously. "Your meeting is tomorrow." Glancing towards the girl who currently had a blank expression, he said "this scum will watch you. You've had quite a chit-chat I see. Not. Another. Word."He looked to both of us as we both nodded.

"Good" And just as quickly he appeared, he also disappeared. The room was still silent. Every shinigami was staring at us. Some with sympathy, some with fear, some with dislike. Her voice, which by now sounded almost heavenly, rang out in anger, interrupting the silence.

"What the hell are you looking at? Back to work!"

I laid down, faced away from her. She was right. I was not in a good position at all.


End file.
